Hipster. Noun.
Hipsters are a subculture of men and women typically in their 20’s and 30’s that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter.
I’ve tracked down a specimen that I’ve only just escaped with my mainstream-ness attached, and I think she’s onto me. -rustle in bushes- She might have even followed me home, wanting to sacrifice me to her eccentric cats with pumpkin spiced latte’s. I have been following her for multiple years now, in order to ensure the accuracy of information about these deadly creatures that still, to this day, live among us.
Any who, I’ve come to a list of clues to tell if someone is, in fact, a hipster so you can harpoon them and snuff them out before its too late and start infecting the world with their hobo-vibes and creativity.
Why did I do this? For you, my pretties, if you, my lovely, mainstream readers, wish to go hunting for hipsters and stop the Hipster Apocalypse (Hipsocalypse). All for you.
1. Drawing eyes
2. Drawing.
3. Creativity at all. What you are about to see is an attempted ‘photogenic/creative photo’ – effect is minimal, but has the potntial to turn lethal.
4. Doing exactly NOT what other people are doing. I snapped this pic through some blinds on the second story – the hipster in question was being ‘responsible’ and ‘mature’ in the kitchen, therefore must have been notified that such traits were ‘hip’ at that present time.
And another.
5. All hipsters have at least one hobby. Whether it be photography, drawing, Guides, Brownies, Rangers, opp shopping , hockey, star-course-er-ing or painting! It’s very hipster to devote yourself to a certain thing, and be seriously into it. Even tango-ing.
6. Eco-friendly. Hipsters are all extremists when it comes to the earth. They tend to go camping a lot. And take pictures of sunrises RIDICULOUSLY early in the morning, as well as massive birds that perch in trees and eat little slimey yellow fruits (as shown here).
7. Really weird music. It boosts up their hipster cred a load in Hipster Ville.
8. Opshopping. Hipsters reject the culturally-ignorant attitudes of mainstream consumers, and are often be seen wearing vintage and thrift store inspired fashions, tight-fitting jeans, old-school sneakers, and sometimes thick rimmed glasses.
They also have a nasty habit of conforming good, rightous mianstream peeps into their own kind to slowly take over the world.
Please, if you see these two hipsters, contact the authorities immediatley. Do NOT try to reason with them – similar to zombies, they have no chance at recovery and aren’t the same people they used to be prior to the hipster infection. If they become agressive, shoot immediatley. Especially the new one. She isn’t my friend anymore.
9. Are always ironic. And sarcastic. In fact, many watch bad, old english comedies to borrow lines and quiffs from, and wear ironic clothing.
Hello Kitty? You mean, hello, irony?
Although I must commend the hipster on its excellent taste in Doctor Who.
10. Wears aviators.
This next picture was taken on a completely different day. Here we see she is joined by another hipster – they seem to be flocking like flies, these days.
11. Regina George.
12. Wear converse (3/4 and pink), combat boots and doc martins (super squeaky black ones). However, as converse are becoming more and more accepted, Hipsters tend to ditch the ‘chucks and opt for more granny and combat style shoes.
13. Owls. And cats.
I had to sneak into the Hipster’s cave in the far mountain side for this evidence. I almost didn’t make it out alive – dreamcatchers threatened to smother me, and this random cat -cough- dog -cough- named Ellie tried to kill me with her cuteness. I’m still recovering.
14. Restrain themselves to a strictly very healthy diet. And tea. ICED TEA. Forbid they ever drink fizzy drink.
15. Hipsters are well educated. They use their right brain more than the rest of society, therefore use multiple creative outlets to flow through, such as music, visual graphics and painting, liberal arts etc. The hipster in question created this very model for her wearable arts design – not only did she get 1st place this year, but she also cleaned out 1st + 3rd, 1st and 2nd the last 4 years.
16. They also spends heaps of time in bookstores. They don’t even have to read – they just soak up knowlege from the books and into their pores like a leech sucking blood out of another leech. (“Do you read books?” “Mmm, physco-murderer ones.” Here we have a hipster that is on the verge of becoming a psycopath.)
17. Make up words in the company of non-hipsters to shame them and make them feel uneducated. (“Illogible”)
18. Dislike cars, as they are bad for the enviroment (see eco-friendly). Prefer to walk or scooter around town. Mostly scooter.
19. Most importently, never, EVER admit they’re a hispter. Hipsters don’t wear labels. Labels are for soup cans, lovlies.
(Taken directly from facebook… “so… would you call your self a hipster?” “no. nonoononoonno” “alrighty then.” “no.”)
So, after 4 years of unbearable torture and stripping away my dignity in order to blend in with this wild hipster, my 19-STEP process is a complete sucess.
Study and pass on these clues to friends and family to tell if you either need to eradicate said person or invite them round for a sleepover to rejoice in mainstream together. You are always welcome back to this blog to find techniques and advice for hunting Hipsters, my lovlies.
Ta Ta!
Love, Jess Wookii
xx